Friday, February 15, 2008

mind over matter...

i've heard that phrase for most all of my life. my earliest memories of that are from my mother...when i was sick, when i was upset, when i was being tickled. low and behold it has worked for most of my life. as i grew up, i used it to suppress and hide my emotions - when i was sad, upset, frustrated, angry, even happy sometimes. i believe there is some truth to the "power of positive thinking." again from my childhood: "act enthusiastic, and you'll be enthusiastic!" i'm at a place now where i'm trying my darnedest to live into that. maybe it's my current life circumstances, but i'm finding it increasingly more difficult to live in that frame of mind. as much as i want to have a positive outlook, the honest truth is that i hate my life right now. my job is not fulfilling, my relationship with my parents is beyond estranged, my bank account is non-existent, my hope for a dating relationship is mind isn't powerful enough right now to rise above the reality of my life. yes...i am very blessed in many respects - i have shelter, a job, a car, an amazing group of friends and community, a church that loves and supports me. the reality and emotions of the matter looms so large that it seems insurmountable. so my mind tries a day at a time to survive this period of desolation as it longs for some sort of consolation. ~aroll

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