sweet baby james

when i picked my phone up out of my locker on my lunch break yesterday, i had a voicemail from my father. i haven't really spoken to him in 2 months. his message asked me to call him so that he could talk to me about my birthday. it's 2 months away...my first thought was that they wanted to fly out here for my birthday or send me a ticket to fly home or something. as it turns out, they want to buy me tickets to the new james taylor tour this summer. i grew up listening to james taylor, simon & garfunkel, peter paul & mary, etc. my parents have seen james in concert 5 times, and i never have. his new tour will combine his old full band stuff with his new one-man-band music. the show will be at the greek amphitheater in los angeles. i was blown away. it's an incredibly thoughtful birthday gift...i'm so stoked!! thanks mom and dad. tickets went on sale today...can't wait to find out what they get! ~aroll

why blog?

i posted the "most annoying things" post while on my lunch break the other day. the corner bakery cafe across the street from the store has great pasta and free wifi...nice combo. i returned and made some comment to one of my managers regarding my blog post about our annoying sale customers. he said, "blog? who reads it?" i paused for a moment and realized that nobody really reads it - occasionally some friends and in the beginning my parents. judging by the lack of any sort of post recently, i'm guessing that again no one is reading it. so why do i continue to post? i suppose it brings some form of catharsis for me. i love to write, and i don't have much opportunity to do so anymore. i also usually have a lot going on in my brain and need some way to process it. then why do it in a public space? i don't know. some level of pressure to be "hip" creeps in. maybe it's some level of hope that my thoughts or observations could be helpful to someone somewhere. i don't really know, but i will continue to use this blog as a place to muse, rant, vent, cry, hope, dream, laugh... ~aroll

the most annoying things...

on my way to work this morning i was listening to the jeff & jer showgram on 94.1 fm. i am a faithful morning listener (when i'm up in the morning during the week which is everyday but thursday). this morning they had people calling in with their ideas of what are the most annoying things. responses ranged from automated phone messages to people bringing fruit to the office from their own backyards. one of my favorite ones was "inner-office envelopes." that one was suggested by laura, one of the on-air personalities. i thought that one was brilliant. they are annoying - all of those names scratched off, the little figure-8 string that inevitably comes undone...as i was listening to the responses, i wanted to call in and say, "sale customers...definitely the most annoying." i arrived at the store at the same time as my manager sabrina who had been listening as well. ironically she had brought fruit, but not from her backyard. she absolutely agreed that sale customers are the most annoying...they hover over you expecting you to mark things down more; they pull everything off the cart and out of the wall; they come in everyday and do the same thing hoping that items are even cheaper; then, they return it all. really? return something that's $1.99? ugh...i can't wait until all of our sale merchandise is gone!! ~aroll

the happiest place on earth...mind over matter pt. 2

sunday afternoon i went to disneyland - the happiest place on earth. jay's girlfriend's 6'5" little brother was celebrating his birthday, and they needed more adults to be around. so i got a free ticket to disneyland. i haven't been since the anaheim ys convention in 2004. jay and i drove up in the afternoon after church/load-out/in-n-out and got there around 3:30. given the post from last week, i wasn't in the best place psychologically or emotionally. i had a good time. we laughed a lot, made memories, enjoyed the fireworks, watched interesting people. but i will have to say i felt this immense pressure to be happy. jay even said, "if you can't be happy here, you can't be happy anywhere." theme parks are hard for me lately. i'm not a rider of roller coasters (ironic given my last name), and seeing families/couples together is really difficult. in spite of my last post, i found myself forcing my mind and my heart to be happy...or at least smile and laugh. it was a big day for jay - hanging out at his favorite place with his girlfriend and his best friend enjoying great food after a morning of church and playing music. i think a part of it was not wanting to bring the day down for the other people around me. it was exhausting. i don't like not being happy. my gm at the store even said the last week that i've not been myself lately. disney is celebrating their "year of a million dreams" making trips and experiences - dreams - for people come true. what about my dreams? can mickey make those come true? lol...maybe one day... ~aroll

mind over matter...

i've heard that phrase for most all of my life. my earliest memories of that are from my mother...when i was sick, when i was upset, when i was being tickled. low and behold it has worked for most of my life. as i grew up, i used it to suppress and hide my emotions - when i was sad, upset, frustrated, angry, even happy sometimes. i believe there is some truth to the "power of positive thinking." again from my childhood: "act enthusiastic, and you'll be enthusiastic!" i'm at a place now where i'm trying my darnedest to live into that. maybe it's my current life circumstances, but i'm finding it increasingly more difficult to live in that frame of mind. as much as i want to have a positive outlook, the honest truth is that i hate my life right now. my job is not fulfilling, my relationship with my parents is beyond estranged, my bank account is non-existent, my hope for a dating relationship is waning...my mind isn't powerful enough right now to rise above the reality of my life. yes...i am very blessed in many respects - i have shelter, a job, a car, an amazing group of friends and community, a church that loves and supports me. the reality and emotions of the matter looms so large that it seems insurmountable. so my mind tries a day at a time to survive this period of desolation as it longs for some sort of consolation. ~aroll