new posts on my main site

check out the new posts over at my current blog: http://theinneraroll.com.

if you haven't updated your RSS feeds to my new blog, please do so!

~aroll

several new posts on my new site

if you haven't migrated over to my new site, please update your links, blogrolls, and RSS feeds to my new blog site:

http://theinneraroll.com

several new and fun posts up...and i'm keeping up with it!!

see you there...

~aroll

attitude really is everything...or at least something really important

one of the many wise things that my mother taught me growing up is the adage "attitude is everything." it frequently was accompanied by the encouragement, "act enthusiastic and you'll be enthusiastic" to which i mostly rolled my eyes. there have been several times in my life where i have been put in difficult, frustrating, and/or stressful situations where the awareness of my attitude really has allowed me to not lose my mind at those moments. let's take an example from last week:

not having much extra fundage this holiday season, i kept putting off doing my Christmas shopping as i figured out who i could buy for, and who would have to settle for my love and friendship. finally i went to the mall on tuesday night. i left my house at 8:30 hoping that by going late i would avoid some of the insanity. i went into knowing it might be crazy and just said, "alex, be patient and you'll be fine." i got to mission valley mall, parked in the first place i saw (no point in driving around for hours trying to find the closest spot), and ventured into the mall. it was busy but not overwhelming. i stopped in aeropostale to get a gift card for my roomie and saw the checkout line stretching out the door. i took a deep breath, looked around the store, and one of the employees said, "come back in like 45 minutes and the line will be gone...we're open 'til 11." i had other stops to make so i journeyed on. went to sports chalet, target, and best buy and never waited more than 3-4 minutes in line. upon my arrival back at aeropostale i discovered that indeed the line was very minimal. i made my purchase and headed back to my car. i could have gotten frustrated with parking lot stupidity, lines, and rude people stepping on my toes and cutting in line, but why? deep breaths and a smile can make a huge difference.

i've tried to continue with that perspective, but driving lately has been making that difficult. i typically have a lot of patience, but i have found myself lacking it more frequently lately. i find myself yelling at other drivers, catching myself, and taking a deep breath. my grandmother had a magnet on her refrigerator (still there today) that says, "grant me patience, o Lord, but hurry." how true is that?! we're willing to acknowledge our need for it and ask, but we don't want to wait! one of my new year's resolutions will be to be more aware of and focus on my attitude. i won't always succeed, but hopefully making an effort will not only make a difference in my relationships but in my own sanity as well... ~aroll

a new civil rights movement…part 2

so i know that i said in my next post in this series that i would discuss the separation of church & state...it's coming, but something has been pressing my heart more lately. we as a church, and me as an individual, have talked about the need to put a face to this fight/movement/"issue." this movement is about human beings - not religion, not faith, not legislation. it is about people made in the image of God, children of God equal and loved in His eyes...just not apparently in the eyes of a majority of His followers.

john smulo posted about our billboard and emailed me a note of encouragement. this led to him asking if i would do an interview. the entire interview can be viewed here, but i wanted to post a relevant part of it:

John: In one of our emails you said something that you wished people would stop talking about this as an “issue”, and instead see that they are actual people that are impacted here. Can you expand what you mean by this?

Alex: There was a very real sense for me, and several members of our community, that the Prop 8 campaign was very “us vs. them.” The gay agenda is out to corrupt children, destroy the church, break up families....which is all false. When we first got a postcard at our offices about The Call at Qualcomm, our volunteer coordinator (straight, 19 yo female) immediately wanted to be there with a group of people wearing shirts that said, “I am the face of those you hate.” She felt the need to put a face to this fight. If they say we are out to destroy families and corrupt children, what about the countless straight families who brought their kids to the candlelight vigil? What about the young girl standing on the sidewalk during an equal rights march with a sign that says, “I love my two mommies”? This “issue” within the church does have scholarship and texts to understand...but it is also real human beings made in the image of God earnestly seeking to live a life more like Christ. And outside of the church it is real human beings with the created need for companionship who are wanting to COMMIT to one another in devoted love, and that is something that should be celebrated. Beyond that, I could spend a few pages talking about the need for the separation of church and state and legislating morality (see my blog for more thoughts on that).

From my experience, many conservative Christians do not have relationships with gay & lesbian men and women, or they do and don’t know that their friends are gay. When someone close to them comes out, they are forced to deal with real life, not just words and arguments. Look at the story in Acts of the Church in Antioch...the Gentiles who were choosing to follow Jesus were being asked to subscribe to Jewish laws and customs, but Paul presented the fact that without living under that law they were still showing signs and fruit of the Spirit. The Council of Jerusalem could not argue with the living proof of God’s presence in their lives. When you begin to deal with people instead of an “issue” it does get messy, but you have the opportunity to learn from their experience and witness the presence of God in their lives...or in the context outside of the church you see couples that have been together 20+ years who simply want to have their commitment recognized and be afforded the same rights as straight couples, rights as basic as hospital visitation. Throughout Scripture we see how God constantly sought to redeem people not an institution. Jesus was about people not about religion.

i challenge all of us to remember that we, on both sides of this "issue," are dealing with real live human beings - with brains, lives, emotions, experiences...if you are reading this and don't know someone directly affected by this movement (which i would honestly find hard to believe), then check out this link and see the faces of many - gay and straight - who are simply asking to be treated as an equal...as a human being. ~aroll

a new civil rights movement…part 1

in june of 1969, people began to stand up for the rights of gay and lesbian men and women following the raid on the bar at the stonewall inn in new york city. ever since, baby steps have been taken to recognize members of the lgbt community for exactly what they are – human beings no different than any other person on this planet. it’s interesting to me that in the same time period when tens of thousands of people fought for equality for people of color – a battle that was long overdue and vital to the continuation of society – another group of people fighting for equality battled in silence without gaining much ground. please do not hear this as comparing the plight of the african-american community to that of the lgbt community. that will always be The civil rights movement (capital “T”), but nonetheless this is “A” civil rights movement. but 40 years later, people are still fighting to be considered equal. this is not an “issue” but is about human beings.

many people, especially in the conservative church world, have to continued to advocate exclusion, judgment, and condemnation of the lgbt community. in spite of their efforts, progress has been made. one of the most significant steps forward came when the state of massachusetts legalized gay marriage. several years later, may of 2008 to be exact, the california supreme court overturned prop 22 (a ban on gay marriage) as unconstitutional which then launched the creation of proposition 8. in the midst of the battle over prop 8, connecticut even legalized gay marriage. then on november 4, 2008 the fight for equal rights for the lgbt community suffered an emotional blow: not only did prop 8 pass in california, but arizona and florida both passed constitutional amendments further defined the right of marriage away from the lgbt community, and arkansas passed a ban on adoption by gay couples. in one day, rights were taken away from a group of people who had been given rights, and rights were distanced from others even further.

throughout history, the church has been a voice of fighting for the rights of others: john wesley & william wilberforce in the fight to end slavery; William booth and the salvation army fighting poor working conditions for women & children in match factories; dr. martin luther king, jr. and the battle to end segregation. and now the church is leading the charge to deny a group of human beings equal rights under the law…the law. in the justification of “loving the sinner and hating the sin,” many within the conservative church compare homosexuality to rape, murder, adultery, etc. those “sins” are acted on other people against their will...people are entitled to their convictions, but voting yes on prop 8 acted those convictions on a group of people against their will. the right to live as the men and women God created them to be is not acting on anyone against his or her will. government’s role is not to legislate morality; it is to protect the rights and well-being of its citizens – all citizens, especially the rights of the minority.

my next post in this thread will be on the separation of church and state…

journeying in life, love, and the pursuit of Jesus…~aroll

i'm back...

so after way too long of not posting, i'm back. i had some time to write on the plane home from toronto and the canadian youth workers conference, so here are a couple of posts with more to come! lots to think and write about heading into the holidays during this season of advent... ~aroll

NO on Prop 8...part 2

i fully intended on writing more posts on this topic, weighing in on more of the arguments, but frankly i've grown weary. i see the ads, i read the articles, i get the emails sent to pastors from "yes on 8," and while this is a very emotional issue for me and my community i'm tired of dealing with it. no matter what happens on tuesday, this is not over. if prop 8 passes, there will be many hurting people to help make sense of it all. if prop 8 fails, then the conservative evangelical church will only be that much more riled up to "fight the darkness that is advancing."

really? darkness? evil? marriage is a civil institution. yes it has existed in virtually every religion that has affected humans on this planet, but "marriage" as we know it is an institution regulated by the state governments that acknowledges a commitment between two individuals and guarantees those individuals certain rights. would granting that same acknowledgment to same-sex couples really bring the demise of this country, the church and humanity? oh wait...the world has not come to an end, heterosexual marriages still function (well, 48% of them anyway), and the church is still marching - and same sex marriages have been legal now for several months in california and even longer in massachusetts. the language of the current law on the books specifically says that churches retain autonomy in choosing for whom they will perform weddings. some churches now refuse to marry heterosexual couples who are living together...what do many of those couples do? they go down to the court house and have a judge marry them. do i want my wedding to be performed by a judge? no, i would rather a minister perform my ceremony because i want my marriage to be a covenant between me, my future partner, and God because my faith is important to me...always has been and always will be.

proposition 8 isn't protecting marriage...it is stealing it from a group of people. proposition 8 would write discrimination into the constitution of california. it is the church seeking to exclude people in the name of the same Jesus that i love and worship...and it's making me sick. it makes me horribly sad to see what this issue is doing to the Church. it has caused division among the body of Christ, and i hate to think about what this campaign has said to the thousands of people around the country who are outside of a faith community and may never engage in a conversation about faith because of the hate they have seen. as a result, a group of my friends and i are drafting a "manifesto" of sorts to say that we are Christ-followers not defined by tolerance, but by acceptance. we are Christ-followers who believe in the transforming power of God, not the conforming nature of religion.

i think about all the millions of dollars that have been raised in the name of discrimination and hate. yes, millions of dollars have been raised by "no on 8" as well, but that money wouldn't have been needed if proposition 8 didn't exist. how many homeless could have been fed with that money? how many sick people could have been given medical treatment with that money? at my small group last night, a friend put it this way, "one dollar gives one person in africa clean water for one year." think about that. how much further could this money have gone in helping humanity? i am ready for this to be over so that whatever process of healing and reconciliation that is needed can begin.

if you are a praying person, please pray that God's love, grace, and truth will prevail and that hate perpetrated in the name of God will not win out. if you are in san diego, please join thousands of people in a candlelight vigil at 9:00p on university ave. in hillcrest to show unity against hate and discrimination. vote NO on prop 8. ~aroll

NO on Prop 8...part 1

so here is part 1 in my effort to get the word out about how inaccurate, inflammatory, and inhumane prop 8 and its propaganda is. the new "NO on 8" television ads are starting to directly refute the "yes on 8" tv ads that use outright lies and misinformation such as churches losing their tax exempt status, citing a single incident in massachusetts to incite parents of school children, etc. this is a paragraph from the decision handed down by the California Supreme Court overturning Prop 22 (paragraph breaks are mine for easier reading):

A number of factors lead us to this conclusion. First, the exclusion of same-sex couples from the designation of marriage clearly is not necessary in order to afford full protection to all of the rights and benefits that currently are enjoyed by married opposite-sex couples; permitting same-sex couples access to the designation of marriage will not deprive opposite-sex couples of any rights and will not alter the legal framework of the institution of marriage, because same-sex couples who choose to marry will be subject to the same obligations and duties that currently are imposed on married opposite-sex couples.

Second, retaining the traditional definition of marriage and affording same-sex couples only a separate and differently named family relationship will, as a realistic matter, impose appreciable harm on same-sex couples and their children, because denying such couples access to the familiar and highly favored designation of marriage is likely to cast doubt on whether the official family relationship of same-sex couples enjoys dignity equal to that of opposite-sex couples.

Third, because of the widespread disparagement that gay individuals historically have faced, it is all the more probable that excluding same-sex couples from the legal institution of marriage is likely to be viewed as reflecting an official view that their committed relationships are of lesser stature than the comparable relationships of opposite-sex couples.

Finally, retaining the designation of marriage exclusively for opposite- sex couples and providing only a separate and distinct designation for same-sex couples may well have the effect of perpetuating a more general premise — now emphatically rejected by this state — that gay individuals and same-sex couples are in some respects “second-class citizens” who may, under the law, be treated differently from, and less favorably than, heterosexual individuals or opposite-sex couples. Under these circumstances, we cannot find that retention of the traditional definition of marriage constitutes a compelling state interest. Accordingly, we conclude that to the extent the current California statutory provisions limit marriage to opposite-sex couples, these statutes are unconstitutional.

even if you may not agree with my stance on this issue, if you are a california voter, please at least do your own thinking and own research and don't just buy the propaganda that would deny basic human rights to a group of human beings. i will be continuing the dialogue here as we get closer to the election. ~aroll

"welcome to the end of productivity"

in the witty words of travis, apparently my ability to get anything done is now coming to a screeching halt. after many years of resisting online social networking sites, i have broken down and created a facebook profile. i will admit the straw that broke the camel's back was getting an invitation to join facebook from my cousin beth. i figured it was about time i join... so if you're on facebook, look me up...write something on my wall. (it's gonna take me a while to get used to the new lingo...) ~aroll

home sweet urban home

ah, how good it feels to be back home in san diego. i had a great time at my reunion, catching up with old friends, laughing and reminiscing, seeing family and friends in okc, but i am very glad to be home.

while back in okc i had a bit of culture shock. not the culture shock you would assume coming from the west coast back to middle america. it was actually socio-economic culture shock. i went to a small independent private school in suburban oklahoma city. the vast majority of students who attend there come from wealthy families. (on a side note it was interesting to see how much more money has poured into that school since i left.) my family didn't have a ton of money...we were comfortable, and my parents did a lot to be able to provide for me and allow me to do a lot of the things i wanted to do, but we certainly didn't have the same money that most of my classmates did. my mom was a teacher at my school, so that helped with our tuition significantly. regardless, i was around and in a pretty upper class, white, suburban world.

fast forward 10 years to me living in a neighborhood under redevelopment frequented by police cars and helicopters, with bars on the windows, cool local coffee shops and the constant parade of homeless people. i've been in this neighborhood 1.5 years, and i love it. it's home. i am lower middle class, living paycheck to paycheck and rarely need to go more than a mile from my house, walking to church, riding my bike to the office, walking to the grocery store and countless new local restaurants and bars. going back to okc was weird. i've been back for holidays, but something was different. i was at a luncheon at the home of the parents of a former classmate with their 5,000 square foot home on the lake eating lunch under a tent on their tennis court. it's a gorgeous home owned and opened up to us by a wonderful family...but it was so foreign. please hear me - this is not an indictment on white suburbia. if i had stayed in oklahoma, there is a strong likelihood i would still be in that world. but now i'm not, and it felt much safer, in a weird way, to be driving back into my far more urban neighborhood as jay drove me home from the airport on monday. it's not the world in which i grew up, but it's now normal to me...home sweet urban home. ~aroll

reunion playlist highlights

so in my last post, i promised a highlight list of some of the songs i have on the playlist i created for my 10-yr high school reunion last weekend. i pulled together songs that were significant to us as a class and popular at the time. in no particular order, some highlights are:

i'll be - edwin mcccain
all for you - sister hazel
closing time - semisonic
bittersweet symphony - the verve
good riddance - greenday
how's it going to be - third eye blind
too legit to quit - mc hammer
you learn - alanis morissette
one week - barenaked ladies
a long december - counting crows
champagne supernova - oasis
everybody (backstreet's back) - backstreet boys
the freshman - verve pipe
so much to say - dave matthews band
friends - michael w. smith
angel - sarah mclachlan
one headlight - the wallflowers
i've got friends in low places - garth brooks

it was a fun trip down memory lane putting the whole playlist together...so many songs i had forgotten about!! it's fun and scary to listen to. ~aroll

back in oklahoma

well, i arrived late last night back in oklahoma city for my 10-year high school reunion. i can't believe it has been 10 years since i graduated high school. i am actually looking forward to seeing people. i have only kept in touch with my friend lance cook who was my best friend in high school, so i think it's going to be fun to see how people have changed (or haven't), hear what people are doing, etc. my graduating class was 65 people, and of those 65, 37 of us were together since the first grade - a group known as the "lifers." of the lifers, i think something like 25 of us had been together since preschool. crazy, eh? needless to say no one really dated within our class as it would have been like dating your brother or your sister.

reunion festivities begin tonight with a dinner before the football game (which we are favored to win 33-14 over davis), cocktail party tonight, picnic tomorrow afternoon, then party tomorrow night at a hotel downtown. i'll keep the blog updated with any crazy stories. oh, and i'm putting together a playlist of music from my high school days. i'll post some highlights of that playlist in another entry.

on a somewhat unrelated note, i was just outside on the phone with my high school youth pastor (who i hope will still be the best man at my wedding) and saw a row of "mccain/palin" yard signs...i truly am back in oklahoma. *sigh*

"a change will do you good..."

well, in the immortal words of sheryl crow, "a change will do you good." i have been waiting to post this bit of news until it had been officially announced. starting monday, september 22, i will be full time at missiongathering as the pastor of connection and spiritual formation! i have resigned my full time position at west elm, but i will be staying on in a casual role there working one day a week or so. while i have learned a lot in retail management and the world of sales, it's not who i am wired to be.

i have known since i was in high school that i wanted to be in ministry. while in college i served as the junior high intern then as the junior high director at asbury united methodist church in tulsa, oklahoma. i then moved to san diego to be the middle school pastor at journey community church. after 3 years there and volunteer hours at the national youth workers convention, i joined the staff of youth specialties to help train and encourage youth pastors. my journey into retail began when zondervan bought ys and my job was downsized. thankfully in the midst of these and some other circumstances, i had found missiongathering - a community of faith where, on my first sunday there, i felt like i was home.

i have been playing in the band at mission for two years and have been on part-time staff for a year as part of the teaching team, helping with programming and production, and coordinating special events. now that i am full time, i will be overseeing leadership development (we're growing and can't afford to have the staff driving everything), spiritual formation (small groups, retreats, spiritual direction, spiritual growth), community connections (connecting people within mission and connecting mission to the community), and providing some structure to new ministries and programs within mission. we are growing in some great ways at missiongathering, but boy do i have my work cut out for me. regardless, though, i am very excited to be serving my church in this way and am excited about being able to wake up looking forward to going to work.

so there we go...a new adventure ahead...more to come, i'm sure. ~aroll

a 12-mile walk...

imagine having to walk 6 miles one-way to get water or get to school. imagine having to walk 6 miles back home. this is the plight of thousands of women and children in zambia, africa. in a country ravaged by poverty and disease and the AIDS pandemic, education, clean water and sanitation are keys to growth and survival.

this saturday, september 13 is the second-annual walktheirwalk walk-a-thon to raise money for the region of twachiyanda, zambia. last year the walk raised over $27,000 to complete the building of a school, with 125 walkers participating. this year we are already at 250+ registered with a goal to build 2 fresh-water wells and a latrine. for more information, to donate, or to register visit www.walktheirwalk.com.

if you're a praying person, please pray for safety, good weather, enthusiasm, still more walkers, and that the event and the money raised will change the hearts of students and people here in the united states and change lives for the better in zambia. ~aroll

making a statement

several weeks ago missiongathering hosted the church basement roadshow. that tour is partially sponsored by compassion international. members of our church sponsored several children, and we took a special offering to donate to compassion in lieu of our normal offering. here is the bulk of a letter i just finished on behalf of our church that we will be sending with the donation:

One of the couples that are a key part of our leadership at the church sponsored a child and brought something to our attention. While going through the materials about what they are and are not allowed to send to their child, they read this section: “In addition, we will not forward materials depicting persons dressed in immodest clothing or engaging in activities inconsistent with our ministry values and beliefs, including the living out of a homosexual lifestyle.” This section specifically was brought to our attention, as our church is an open and affirming church with several homosexual men and women in key and active roles in our community. While I understand the reality of other cultures where Compassion is working, this policy and perspective on a group of people is very disappointing to hear about an organization I have supported for years.

The message of Jesus is one of grace and inclusion, not judgment and exclusion. Jesus reached out to the marginalized and oppressed, the tired and hungry, the poor and the needy, and the shunned and outcast alike. The gay and lesbian community has been for so long condemned and ostracized by the church, and even those that have found a connection with their faith again (or for the first time) are very sensitive to language of exclusion. Are you suggesting that homosexuals are not or cannot be Christians? Missiongathering believes in the Grace and Love of Christ, and we seek to extend that to all people. Could the language of your materials take more into consideration the cultures to which sponsors are writing instead of imposing a set of beliefs on someone who might believe in the cause of social justice? Beyond the gay and lesbian community, even those in our church who aren’t gay but have been marginalized or hurt by the church are sensitive to the reality of exclusive language instead sharing the reality of the Grace of God for all people.

I don’t expect one letter from a small church to change the opinion of a large, international organization. I don’t expect the story and heart of one group of believers to affect the beliefs and doctrine of the executive leadership. I wrote this letter with a sense of hope. My hope is this: that Compassion International as an organization will open its eyes to the reality of those still marginalized by the people of God even as it endeavors to help the needy and oppressed in the name of God. We as a church are firm believers in speaking for the orphans, the widows, and the helpless. Missiongathering does so in many ways including supporting Invisible Children and through our own Street Angels Ministry, which is an outreach to homeless teenagers in San Diego. We also believe firmly in the truth that God’s Grace extends to all people, and we stand up for that message in every arena possible.

i believe in the work that compassion is doing, i was just struck by the wording of the statement. as the leadership of the church discussed this, we decided to still send the money as a matter of integrity, but to also voice our beliefs and understanding of the gospel of grace of Jesus. we must continue to stand for the truth as people of grace. it's not always easy to find the ways to do that, but we start where we can with what we know and what we do. ~aroll

the grandeur of a "calling"

last night at my sanctuary, we were talking about what it means to live missionally - a topic that i preached on sunday morning. in the course of the conversation, jay brought up the question of what each one of us is doing to act on it this week, what is our "piece" of living missionally. we went around the circle sharing what it might look like for each one of us personally, with it being acceptable, of course, to still be figuring it out. one girl shared that she wasn't sure what her calling was so she didn't know what her "piece" was.

in the last 3-4 months, this is an idea/issue i have been wrestling with quite a bit. there are several components of my life - job, relationship, circumstances - with which i'm not very happy/satisfied/content. through many conversations, tears, and journaling, i've come to the reality of the need to simply live in the present. my friends holly and ryan sharp from san francisco wrote a song called "you might not know you're home 'til you've landed." the chorus closes with the line "your two feet may tell you where you're standing." there is a sense in which i think we caught up in the grandeur of a calling. it sounds so noble: "i am called to help the poor in india." is a calling a good thing? absolutely. for me, my perception of my calling and passion has been a source of frustration and sometimes depression. my calling is much bigger than my circumstances are allowing right now. what i've realized is that i need to look where my own two feet are and do the best with my circumstances. i may not have everything i want now, may not be doing everything i want to do now, but now isn't forever. so what can i accomplish now? how do i live into who i am in the context of my life at the moment.

so what's my "piece" right now of living my faith out? i am being open about my faith. for a long time when i would be out meeting new people, i would be shy/reserved/hesitant about mentioning my involvement in a church and my faith. why? i suppose i was afraid of being labeled, rejected, or written off given the experience many in our community have had with the church. since my decision to not really care how people react when i talk about it, i have had some really great conversations about church, God, faith, and life. some people have mocked and been negative, but mostly people are intrigued or honestly don't care one way or another. the lesson: don't get lost in hope of finding and living the grandeur of your calling (which you may or may not have/find/know) and simply decide who you are now and what you do in the moment. calling will come without sacrificing the impact i can have now. ~aroll

update on sweet baby james...

so i got my tickets from my parents!!! i think they're going to be good seats. section b, row c, kind of off to the side. it's going to be so awesome to be there. thanks mom and dad for such a thoughtful birthday gift. of course everyone is now asking me who i'm taking...july is a long way away...i have no idea. i guess i can start taking applications and bribes... ~aroll

why blog?

i posted the "most annoying things" post while on my lunch break the other day. the corner bakery cafe across the street from the store has great pasta and free wifi...nice combo. i returned and made some comment to one of my managers regarding my blog post about our annoying sale customers. he said, "blog? who reads it?" i paused for a moment and realized that nobody really reads it - occasionally some friends and in the beginning my parents. judging by the lack of any sort of post recently, i'm guessing that again no one is reading it. so why do i continue to post? i suppose it brings some form of catharsis for me. i love to write, and i don't have much opportunity to do so anymore. i also usually have a lot going on in my brain and need some way to process it. then why do it in a public space? i don't know. some level of pressure to be "hip" creeps in. maybe it's some level of hope that my thoughts or observations could be helpful to someone somewhere. i don't really know, but i will continue to use this blog as a place to muse, rant, vent, cry, hope, dream, laugh... ~aroll

the happiest place on earth...mind over matter pt. 2

sunday afternoon i went to disneyland - the happiest place on earth. jay's girlfriend's 6'5" little brother was celebrating his birthday, and they needed more adults to be around. so i got a free ticket to disneyland. i haven't been since the anaheim ys convention in 2004. jay and i drove up in the afternoon after church/load-out/in-n-out and got there around 3:30. given the post from last week, i wasn't in the best place psychologically or emotionally. i had a good time. we laughed a lot, made memories, enjoyed the fireworks, watched interesting people. but i will have to say i felt this immense pressure to be happy. jay even said, "if you can't be happy here, you can't be happy anywhere." theme parks are hard for me lately. i'm not a rider of roller coasters (ironic given my last name), and seeing families/couples together is really difficult. in spite of my last post, i found myself forcing my mind and my heart to be happy...or at least smile and laugh. it was a big day for jay - hanging out at his favorite place with his girlfriend and his best friend enjoying great food after a morning of church and playing music. i think a part of it was not wanting to bring the day down for the other people around me. it was exhausting. i don't like not being happy. my gm at the store even said the last week that i've not been myself lately. disney is celebrating their "year of a million dreams" making trips and experiences - dreams - for people come true. what about my dreams? can mickey make those come true? lol...maybe one day... ~aroll

mind over matter...

i've heard that phrase for most all of my life. my earliest memories of that are from my mother...when i was sick, when i was upset, when i was being tickled. low and behold it has worked for most of my life. as i grew up, i used it to suppress and hide my emotions - when i was sad, upset, frustrated, angry, even happy sometimes. i believe there is some truth to the "power of positive thinking." again from my childhood: "act enthusiastic, and you'll be enthusiastic!" i'm at a place now where i'm trying my darnedest to live into that. maybe it's my current life circumstances, but i'm finding it increasingly more difficult to live in that frame of mind. as much as i want to have a positive outlook, the honest truth is that i hate my life right now. my job is not fulfilling, my relationship with my parents is beyond estranged, my bank account is non-existent, my hope for a dating relationship is waning...my mind isn't powerful enough right now to rise above the reality of my life. yes...i am very blessed in many respects - i have shelter, a job, a car, an amazing group of friends and community, a church that loves and supports me. the reality and emotions of the matter looms so large that it seems insurmountable. so my mind tries a day at a time to survive this period of desolation as it longs for some sort of consolation. ~aroll